As a former teacher, I feel quite adept at giving grades. I kind of hate doing it, though. Mastery of reading, writing, listening, and speaking is very hard to quantify. But it’s pretty much a law that teachers in public schools have to give grades, so I did it a lot—so much that I sometimes internally grade things in my regular life. The result? A progress report on my new apartment.
Refrigerator: 70
This grade is based on performance, as well as interference in regular daily activities, such as sleeping. Full marks for functionality, but minus 10 for freezing my cottage cheese and minus 20 for making noises that sound like someone breaking and entering through my kitchen window after dark.
Air Conditioning Unit: 80
I started to rate this one lower, but the A/C can’t help the fact that I forget to turn it off sometimes when I leave for work. The minus 20 is actually for rattling the building so violently my closet door clicking up against the sticky paint job in its frame begins to sound like a Harley engine. I generally try not to whine about stuff like this, but when you live by yourself, nights can be a little scary, and any extra noise is unwelcome. Still, an 80 is a B, and I do appreciate having a cool place to live.
And now, on to a list of comparisons for effectiveness at removing the reek of tobacco left behind by the previous resident:
Leaving the windows open: 10
Only effective the moment the window is actually open, thus not so useful when it’s hot outside or when one would like to sleep and feel safe.
Home Fragrance Mist, Kimono Rose: 20
I really like the smell of this stuff, but it fades within half an hour. Plus, it doesn’t smell as good as it did in the store.
Scentsy warmer, Flirtatious, Coconut Lemongrass: 50
I am particularly fond of the Flirtatious smell, too, in spite of the prejudice I feel against it for its ridiculous name. The problem with Scentsy is that the little scented wax bricks don’t last forever, and you can only leave it on for five hours at a time—obviously not when you’re absent. So they’re great when I’m home, but I want something to get rid of the reek that punches me in the face when I walk in the door.
Scentsy warmer, Coconut Lime Verbena: 60
This one gets an extra ten points because it’s very strong. It was much more effective against the smell of eighth graders, though.
Bath and Body Works Scentportable, Pink Sangria, Pink Lemonade: 75
One of these is in my closet, the other is in the living room. They are very nice after they’ve been out for a few days. Eventually I’ll have to replace them. It’s a good thing I got them on sale. I always meant to save them for my car.
Yellow curry, cooked over the stove with garlic, mushrooms, and lentils: 100
What else is there to say? I made dinner earlier this week and thoroughly enjoyed it before putting away the leftovers. I forgot all about it. Then, when I stepped in the door after work for the next two days, all I smelled was curry.
Which of these things does not belong here? There you have it. Even after subtracting points for staining my countertop, thus disqualifying me from reclaiming my cleaning deposit when I move out, curry wins.
☺
