Please weigh in, and correct me if I'm wrong.
When I was a little girl and I was determined to be upset about something, my mom used to say I should go eat worms. This makes sense to anyone who knows me, because I'm kind of a princess about food and, well, a lot of other things. It was her ultimate way of bringing home the point that I was the one choosing to feel ill-used.
And with that introduction, I want to talk about passive aggressivism. This is on my mind because not long ago I listened to a motivational talk that was mostly about marital relationships but can apply to just about anyone's dealings with other people.
People, no matter how much they love you, can not read your mind. Period. It doesn't somehow mean that they love you more if they happen to guess what you want or need at just the right moment. It doesn't mean they love you less if they actually ask you what you want or what you need.
This is one of the big problems I have with Relief Society and Visiting Teaching culture. And maybe friendships as well. Maybe I'm trying to rationalize how bad of a visiting teacher I am (although in my defense, I try to see my ladies, but they are very upfront about the fact that they would rather just be friends than have me stop by their house with a message from the Ensign). Maybe I'm just bad at reading people. Maybe I'm too self-absorbed to anticipate needs and wants. I dunno, but I'm tired of stressing about it.
It seems to me to equate to the story about the wife who sits around sniffing audibly and then gets massively offended because her husband doesn't automatically know that he was supposed to take out the trash before it got smelly. Um ... how about just asking him to take out the trash?
Yes, we've all heard those sweet stories about women who just called up on a prompting from the Spirit and it happened to be the moment when her visiting teachee was going into premature labor and needed to be rushed to the hospital immediately and provided with childcare and meals for her family. Those are great stories. They are powerful stories. I do not discount them.
However, there is another side to this. The Spirit does not tell us every little thing we are supposed to do that is good and right and saving. Sometimes we honestly don't know what someone needs, and the Spirit is not going to tell us. Because that would make us lazy.
At the same time, we seem to have built up this culture that says our visiting teachers and our friends— and whoever else—is supposed to just know what we need and do it without being asked.
That's stupid. If you are offended by someone asking you what you want or need, that's your problem. If you choose to believe that it is a lazy question that is intended to avoid the responsibility of anticipating what you need, well, you have big issues and you need to work through them. Almost every time someone asks you what you need, it is from a sincere desire to help. And if you don't believe that, go have a little therapy. I'm serious.
And what's more, it's really ok to have to ask someone for help. Don't wait for them to offer and feel ill-used when they either forget or aren't specific enough. Just ask.
I'm done feeling bad that I actually have to ask how I can help. There is only so much you can observe about someone, especially when they are too busy to have you come into your home and hang out with you for half an hour (no hard feelings ladies, I totally understand). And the Spirit works better when your mind is informed. It's not magic, it's inspiration. Two completely different things.
Takeaway: I will continue to come up with random acts of service that I offer to my visiting teachees and friends, but if they choose to believe that I'm supposed to just know, and that I should automatically know what they want or even that I should randomly know what they need before they even know they need it, I'm not going to worry or assume that I don't have the Spirit. I love serving people, and I love helping them in ways that are actually helpful—this is not a case of "I'm going to do this nice thing for you so that I can feel good about myself while it's not really doing much to help you and may even be adding stress to your already stressful life."
I want to help. I am not going to read your mind. And I am going to continue to ask how I can help.
Addendum:
The Church is true. The more I think about it and the more I live it, the more I know it. There is not another organization that is so perfectly designed to take people who with all their hearts want to be good and systematically teach them how.
Wow. Have you had that experience with Visiting Teaching? People being offended when you ask how you can help? That's ridiculous. I believe in a person's sincerity when they ask, and I always try to answer them honestly. I've been upfront with home teachers about the fact that we don't have the Priesthood in our home and will call on them when we need blessings. I recently asked my home teachers if they knew anything about sink disposals (and one of them, after checking it out, went home and researched and fixed it for us). I told my new visiting teachers last week that, even though I didn't have any specific other needs, I hadn't been visited in over a year and the fact that they visited and chatted with me made me feel connected and loved.
ReplyDeleteLack of communication is never the answer, and I think the Holy Ghost tends to get involved in more extreme situations, where normal communication instincts aren't enough.
If some people are better about reading others and intuitively recognizing needs, good for them. Good for the ladies they visit teach. People are different, and not everyone has that strength. I certainly don't Not everyone should. Many people seem to think that church leaders should embody the second coming of the Savior. That makes life really difficult for leaders who become more aware of their imperfections as they try harder to serve. If a sister feels that way about her visiting teachers, she needs to get over it.
In short, you're spot on, Sis.